Are You A Hot Mess At Dating?!

Are you bad at dating?

Are past relationships similar to something off of a reality show?

Just bad at love?

If the answer is “yes” to any of these questions, read on!

We all want successful relationships. In every area of our lives, we want positive familial, platonic, work, and romantic relationships. Stress and strife need not apply.

Well, if you don’t currently have peace and success in your romantic relationships then you have to start with a good look in the mirror.

In this post, I will give you a behind-the-scenes look at some of the tough questions I ask clients who decide to hire a dating coach.  Answer these questions and you’ll soon discover why you are indeed bad at dating.

Question #1: How do you define intimacy in relationships?

Take a few minutes to define what intimacy in relationships looks like. Write it down. Be clear and honest with yourself about your definition of intimacy.

Are you a touchy feely person and you want the same in a partner?

Write it down.

Are you more comfortable with long distance relationships?

Write it down.

Is a mental connection more important than a physical one?

Write it down!

Whatever you want in terms of intimacy in relationships, you need to be clear about it, for both yourself and your partner.

Question #2: What lessons have you learned from your past romantic relationships?

I know I’m ripping the band-aid off with this question.  Reflecting on past relationships can be painful.  With that being said take a moment to look at the things you have learned from those past relationships.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Whether you experience joy or pain at the memory of those past relationships, the fact is that you learned something.  What are some of those “I will never again [fill in the blank]” and “I will always [fill in the blank]” statements you hold in your heart when you think about those relationships.  These hard-won nuggets of wisdom are important for your future success.

If you are having trouble defining those lessons because you think dating is impossible, know that when you hire a dating coach you will not have to go through this process alone.  The partnership will allow you to recognize signs you are bad at dating as well as increase self-awareness.

Question #3: What do you want out of your next romantic relationship?

Honey, life isn’t a movie and fairy tales are for children. It’s time to be honest with yourself about the value you want to get out of your romantic relationships.  Yes, you should dream big but please remember life is not a rom com.

Life isn't a movie and fairy tales are for children. It's time to be honest with yourself about the value you want to get out of your romantic relationships. Click To Tweet

Do you want friendship and support? Then you need to define what that looks like for you. Do you want the relationship to teach you something about love and intimacy? Do you want the relationship to be totally within your current comfort zone and pattern? Do you want the relationship to be a total change from what you have experienced before in relationships?  At times, dating is impossible but truthfulness will allow you to navigate the murky waters of dating.

Question #4: What do you have to bring to the table in your next romantic relationship?

The basis of this question is for you to become what you want to attract. Take a look at what makes you great at being you. Being able to identify the perks, quirks, and advantages to your personality is very useful. Now consider all of the things you’ve just identified about yourself in the context of bringing something positive to your romantic relationships.  Honestly, this is the questions that many clients get stuck on so do feel bad if you do too!  Also, don’t feel as if you have to go it alone.  Hire a dating coach to help you identify and refine those fabulous parts of what you bring to a relationship.  You may be bad at dating from a simple lack of awareness in what you choose to share at the table with an intimate partner.

Keep it simple and make a list. Now that you have figured you out a little, are there any areas where you want to be able to bring more to a relationship (i.e. money, emotional support, etc.)? If you have identified any opportunities within yourself upon self-reflection, then write those down as well.  Start thinking about ways to improve.

Qualify for Higher Paying Jobs

For example, if you want to be able to bring more money to your next relationship, start looking for a higher paying job. Or start looking at the type of training and/or education you will need in order to be more qualified for higher paying jobs. Some books that I recommend on this topic include:

• Pivot: The Only Move That Matters Is Your Next One
• The First 90 Days: Proven Strategies for Getting Up to Speed Faster and Smarter, Updated and Expanded
• What Color Is Your Parachute? 2019: A Practical Manual for Job-Hunters and Career-Changers
• Get That Job!: The Quick and Complete Guide to a Winning Interview
• The Career Playbook: Essential Advice for Today’s Aspiring Young Professional

Improve Emotional Intelligence

Another example of identifying opportunities for what you have to bring to the table in a romantic relationship might include being more of an emotional support to your partner. Well, to be able to be more of an emotional support (to anyone) you have to develop a higher level of emotional intelligence.
You may be asking yourself “what is emotional intelligence?!”
Some books that I recommend on this topic include:

• Emotional Intelligence 2.0
• Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ
• EQ Applied: The Real-World Guide to Emotional Intelligence
• Emotional Intelligence: the 30-Day Challenge to increase self-awareness, master social skills and raise your EQ
• Emotional Intelligence: The 21-Day Mental Makeover to Master Your Emotions, Improve Your Social Skills, and Achieve Better, Happier Relationships (Practical Emotional Intelligence)

Question #5: What advice about relationships would you give your best friend?

We all can give great advice when we are on the outside looking in. Take the time to think about what relationship advice you would give your best friend. What would you bring to their attention? What habits about your bestie would you share? For example, if your best friend always seems to date the type of person who they think they can “save” from themselves then bring that up! You know that man or woman that is a total trainwreck but your friend always wants to see the best in that person.

Conclusion

As a quick recap, understand the five (5) questions that will help you understand why you may be terrible at dating are:

• #1: How do you define intimacy in relationships?
• #2: What lessons have you learned from your past romantic relationships?
• #3: What do you want out of your next romantic relationship?
• #4: What do you have to bring to the table in your next romantic relationship?
• #5: What advice about relationships would you give your best friend?

Are you being honest with yourself about how easy or difficult it is to date you?  Read through this post again.  Answer the questions truthfully.  Understand that being bad at dating is a choice.  Whatever answers you don’t like, start making plans to address those areas of your life today and partner with a dating coach to achieve ultimate success.

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Other posts that may be of interest:

♦ Dating After 30
♦ Importance of Sex in A Relationship
♦ Bold First Date Questions That NEED To Be Asked
♦ Overcoming Self-Sabotage: 3 Steps to Take Today
♦ 7 Signs That Intimate Relationships Aren’t Your Cup Of Tea