intimacy in relationships Archives

Before I start, let me make it clear that I am not a medical doctor. I can’t diagnose or treat a condition related to any sexual disease or dysfunction. The approach this post takes is from the perspective of a professional life coach. The goal is to explore the topic and help you gain clarity.

Intimacy in relationships in general and sex in a relationship particularly can be a tricky and very emotional topic for coaching clients to bring to sessions. With a lot of care and trust, this topic is addressed. Below are a few areas that I ask you to get clarity around before making the decision to have sex in a relationship

1. Determine how important sex is in a relationship

Your opinion about sex is a combination of what you were taught growing up, personal experiences, and wisdom gained through age. Past intimate relationships play a major role in this opinion. This means that how each person feels about sex in a relationship is a vast and varied as fingerprints.

Just think about your last intimate relationship where sex was involved. What were your feelings around it? How did your partner make you feel? What was the conversation like around sex in that relationship? Answers to these questions will allow you to determine how important sex is in a relationship going forward.

The decision about the importance of sex in a relationship is a very personal one. Click To Tweet

Once you understand this you know how to have the discussion in your next intimate relationship when the conversation comes around. Remember, the decision about the importance of sex in a relationship is a very personal one. You should feel comfortable and supported making that decision in your intimate relationships. If you’re still having trouble determining the importance of sex in a relationship, working with a professional life coach may be useful.

Some books I’ve found insightful about sex in a relationship:

2. Understand yourself first

This is the step where I want you to think. Think hard. Do you have a positive sense of self in your intimate relationships? What impact does your sense of self have on your decision around the importance of sex in a relationship? You need to understand where you’re coming from. Insecurities and self-doubts can play a very negative role in your decision about the importance of sex in a relationship if you aren’t aware they exist.

No one is perfect and we all are a little self-conscious about something. That’s normal. What I’m referring to here is when we allow any negative self-perceptions to cloud our judgment. Take time and write out your true feelings about yourself. Also, get clear around what influences your opinion of the importance of sex in a relationship.

Addressing any insecurities or self-doubts prior to getting into an intimate relationship is ideal. Click To Tweet

Addressing any insecurities or self-doubts prior to getting into an intimate relationship is ideal. However, most of us don’t reflect on ourselves until we’re neck-deep in a new situation. Start now. No matter where you are in terms of relationship status, just start now. The sooner you understand yourself, the clearer you can become about the importance of sex in a relationship.

Some interesting books about understanding yourself:

3. Identify your needs

We all have needs. Beyond the basic human needs, we all have needs within a relationship as well. The importance of sex in a relationship can greatly be impacted by whether you feel your needs are being meant in other areas. As we all know, intimate relationships aren’t all about sex. Here I want you to figure out what your needs are.

Think of your intimate relationships as a whole, then get specific and think about your needs in the context of the importance of sex in your relationship. List at least 5 things. Do you and your partner speak the same love language? What do you like sexually? What would make you feel comfortable to express your needs in intimate relationships?

As we all know, intimate relationships aren't all about sex! Click To Tweet

A little nervous with these questions? Never fear! You don’t have to try and figure this out alone. Working with a professional life coach will give you the structure and security to begin to uncover your needs. Please understand that determining the importance of sex in a relationship can be fluid. It is also only one part of an overall intimate relationship. Think about this. Hopefully, this will allow you to be more honest with yourself.

Some books of interest in identifying your needs:

Question #1: How do you define intimacy in relationships?

Take a few minutes to define what intimacy in relationships looks like. Write it down. Be clear and honest with yourself about your definition of intimacy.

Are you a touchy feely person and you want the same in a partner?

Write it down.

Are you more comfortable with long distance relationships?

Write it down.

Is a mental connection more important than a physical one?

Write it down!

Whatever you want in terms of intimacy in relationships, you need to be clear about it, for both yourself and your partner.

Question #2: What lessons have you learned from your past romantic relationships?

I know I’m ripping the band-aid off with this question. Reflecting on past relationships can be painful. With that being said take a moment to look at the things you have learned from those past relationships.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Whether you experience joy or pain at the memory of those past relationships, the fact is that you learned something. What are some of those “I will never again [fill in the blank]” and “I will always [fill in the blank]” statements you hold in your heart when you think about those relationships. These hard-won nuggets of wisdom are important for your future success.

If you are having trouble defining those lessons because you think dating is impossible, know that when you hire a dating coach you will not have to go through this process alone. The partnership will allow you to recognize signs you are bad at dating as well as increase self-awareness.

Question #3: What do you want out of your next romantic relationship?

Honey, life isn’t a movie and fairy tales are for children. It’s time to be honest with yourself about the value you want to get out of your romantic relationships. Yes, you should dream big but please remember life is not a rom com.

Life isn't a movie and fairy tales are for children. It's time to be honest with yourself about the value you want to get out of your romantic relationships. Click To Tweet

Do you want friendship and support? Then you need to define what that looks like for you. Do you want the relationship to teach you something about love and intimacy? Do you want the relationship to be totally within your current comfort zone and pattern? Do you want the relationship to be a total change from what you have experienced before in relationships? At times, dating is impossible but truthfulness will allow you to navigate the murky waters of dating.

Question #4: What do you have to bring to the table in your next romantic relationship?

The basis of this question is for you to become what you want to attract. Take a look at what makes you great at being you. Being able to identify the perks, quirks, and advantages to your personality is very useful. Now consider all of the things you’ve just identified about yourself in the context of bringing something positive to your romantic relationships. Honestly, this is the questions that many clients get stuck on so do feel bad if you do too! Also, don’t feel as if you have to go it alone. Hire a dating coach to help you identify and refine those fabulous parts of what you bring to a relationship. You may be bad at dating from a simple lack of awareness in what you choose to share at the table with an intimate partner.

Keep it simple and make a list. Now that you have figured you out a little, are there any areas where you want to be able to bring more to a relationship (i.e. money, emotional support, etc.)? If you have identified any opportunities within yourself upon self-reflection, then write those down as well. Start thinking about ways to improve.

Qualify for Higher Paying Jobs

For example, if you want to be able to bring more money to your next relationship, start looking for a higher paying job. Or start looking at the type of training and/or education you will need in order to be more qualified for higher paying jobs. Some books that I recommend on this topic include:

Improve Emotional Intelligence

Another example of identifying opportunities for what you have to bring to the table in a romantic relationship might include being more of an emotional support to your partner. Well, to be able to be more of an emotional support (to anyone) you have to develop a higher level of emotional intelligence.
You may be asking yourself “what is emotional intelligence?!”
Some books that I recommend on this topic include:

Question #5: What advice about relationships would you give your best friend?

We all can give great advice when we are on the outside looking in. Take the time to think about what relationship advice you would give your best friend. What would you bring to their attention? What habits about your bestie would you share? For example, if your best friend always seems to date the type of person who they think they can “save” from themselves then bring that up! You know that man or woman that is a total trainwreck but your friend always wants to see the best in that person.

Conclusion

As a quick recap, understand the five (5) questions that will help you understand why you may be terrible at dating are:

#1: How do you define intimacy in relationships?
#2: What lessons have you learned from your past romantic relationships?
#3: What do you want out of your next romantic relationship?
#4: What do you have to bring to the table in your next romantic relationship?
#5: What advice about relationships would you give your best friend?

Are you being honest with yourself about how easy or difficult it is to date you? Read through this post again. Answer the questions truthfully. Understand that being bad at dating is a choice. Whatever answers you don’t like, start making plans to address those areas of your life today and partner with a dating coach to achieve ultimate success.

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Tag: intimacy in relationships

Importance of Sex in A Relationship