communication in relationships Archives

You’re angry, frustrated, and don’t know what to say next!

Does this sound like you in your intimate relationships? You’re not alone. I work with many of my coaching clients around their frustration in communication with their partner. Whether you’re dating, married, in a long term relationship, cohabitating, in an open relationship, etc. you must understand that communication is key if you expect that intimate relationship to work!

Below are a few tips that I’ve learned from working with clients around communication in their intimate relationships. Take these tips to heart and understand how you can apply them in your relationship asap.

Communication in Intimate Relationships Tip #1: Let your partner know what’s important to you

If you’re in any kind of serious intimate relationship, then this should be a given. Do you have physical, social, environmental, political, or other general activities that are important to you? Do you have a secret passion that you want to pursue a new activity that you want to try? If your answer is yes to either question then your answer should also be yes to the question around whether your partner knows, understands, and respects these things about you!

Any interest that's important to you should be known, understood, and respected by your intimate partner Click To Tweet

Many people don’t take the time to have these discussions when they get into intimate relationships and that is not a good idea. Speak openly and be honest. Aside from the important things, does your partner know the things about you that make you…you?! Such as your favorite color, your favorite teacher from elementary, the first boy you kissed, your major in college. If they don’t know these things, ask yourself how open is the communication in your relationship.

♦ Want to be a better communicator in your intimate relationship? Then book a few sessions for relationship coaching with me today!

Some books clients have found helpful around open communication in intimate relationships are:

Communication in Intimate Relationships Tip #2: Learn to have fruitful conversations…in love and war

Let’s face it, intimate relationships are hard. They bring out the best and the worst in us all. However, if you want an intimate relationship that actually lasts, you have to know how to effectively communicate in all situations. Based upon working with my clients, here’s what doesn’t work in times of conflict:

screaming and yelling,
sarcasm and insults,
pouting and sulking, and
the silent treatment

If you’ve done any of that stuff in the past, then you know it doesn’t work. If you want to communicate effectively in intimate relationships, that means you’re going to need some new tools. You have to learn how to communicate with fact and not just feeling.

Open communication in intimate relationships is most successful when the well-being of you and your partner is a consideration. Click To Tweet

Also, learn how to have discussions around more sensitive (or potentially explosive topics) when you and your partner are both well rested. Talking about touchy subjects when either of you is tired, irritable or stressed about other things is a recipe for disaster. Open communication in intimate relationships is most successful when the well-being of you and your partner is a consideration.

♦ Do you need lessons on mindfulness and how to fight fair in intimate relationships? Then working with a relationship coach can help. Book your sessions today!

Some interesting books around how to communicate well in both love and war (in a relationship) are:

Communication in Intimate Relationships Tip #3: Be open in discussions with your partner about what you do and don’t like in the bedroom

Now on to the touchiest subjects of all when it comes to intimate relationships…physical intimacy. Sex is an important aspect of any intimate relationship. The level of importance varies for each couple. However, it is an important part of bonding, communicating, and reaffirming your connection to your partner. Being that sex is such an important part of an intimate relationship, ask yourself if you’re being open, honest and satisfied in yours.

What you do or don't discuss with your partner about your sex life will have a direct impact on how good or bad it is! Click To Tweet

From working with clients I’ve seen more resentment and anger in relationships being rooted in lack of communication around sex more than anything! If you’re not happy or satisfied, then you need to say something. What you do or don’t discuss with your partner about your sex life will have a direct impact on how good or bad it is! How you say it and what you say is what will make the difference in your partner listening to you or completely shutting down on you.

♦ Are you at a loss about how to start the conversation with your partner about your sex life? Then working with a relationship coach can help you figure out exactly what to say! Book your sessions today!

Some books that may help you talk about sex in your intimate relationship are:

Conclusion

Communication is the key to success in any relationship. This is especially true in an intimate relationship. Is your answer “yes” to the following three statements:

My partner knows the things that are important to me
My partner and I have good communication when things are good or bad
My partner satisfies me sexually

If your answer is no to any of these questions, take note! For a relationship to grow and last communication is important. This means you need to start taking action today to improve communication with your partner asap!

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1. Communication in relationships is a challenge

Does shutting down happen often when frustrated?
Are silence, avoidance and the infamous “cold shoulder” go-to behaviors for handling conflict?
Is spazzing out a part of how anger is handled?

If the answer is yes to any of these questions, then chances are a person may not be ready for marriage. The importance of communication in relationships cannot be underestimated. If a client finds themselves struggling with proper and effective communication in relationships, then they need to take the steps to work on it.

No one else can make them a better communicator and it won’t just “happen”. The decision to hire a relationship coach will help a client become aware of any relationship sabotaging patterns that they have.

During their relationship coaching sessions, a client will also work with the coach to come up with effective strategies to address those patterns (Hint: have no fear of being the uncoachable client). Remember, communication is key in any relationship but especially in the context of an intimate relationship where one person is sharing their space, body, food, finances, and ultimately future with another person.

Some books of interest include:

2. Compromise in intimate relationships seems like defeat

First of all, if a client looks at intimate relationships like a chess match, then they are bound to lose. Compromise in relationships is an important part of any adult relationship period, not just in marriage.

It always baffles me how clients are so open to healthy compromise in work, family, and friendships, but as soon as we start discussing compromise in the context of intimate relationships, they shut down!

Appropriate compromise in relationships is healthy and necessary. Click To Tweet

I usually have to talk clients off the ledge a bit with this one. I explain that they are an adult with their own thoughts, feelings, and outlooks. In their intimate relationship, they are trying to come to a harmonious conclusion with another adult who has their own thoughts, feelings, and outlooks. Inevitably they’re not going to always agree.

Having hesitation and doubts when it comes to compromise usually comes from past hurts. Often those hurts need to be addressed during coaching sessions so a client can let all of that go. Marriage can truly be an uphill battle for those who struggle or refuse to compromise.

If this resonates on any level, journal it. Next, meditate on what the perfect relationship looks like. Let those feelings out about why compromising in relationships is hard (or scary, etc.). What does the interaction look like in a perfect relationship?

3. Have a belief that the person who makes the most money makes the rules

We have all heard the saying “he (she) who makes the gold, makes the rules”.

This does apply to many areas of life but one area that it should not apply to is in a marriage. Healthy intimate relationships need to be built on mutual love, respect, and trust. In marriages where there is only one partner working or one partner is clearly the breadwinner, this should not be used as a reason for treating the other partner as a lesser contributor to the relationship. Communication in relationships about money, support, and contribution are necessary for success. I definitely recommend that you hire a relationship coach if you have issues around money, intimacy, and communication in relationships.

4. Long term commitment is a new frontier

Not to say that every person has had lots of long-term relationships before marriage, but if a client is over 30 and has not been in a long-term committed intimate relationship, we definitely dig deeper. Learning the importance and the how of communication in relationships will keep you from repeatedly stumbling and failing.

There may be deep-rooted resistance, fear or anxiety around intimate relationships that have not been addressed. Deciding to hire a relationship coach will give a person the time and safe space to explore this further.

5. Lingering intimacy issues from past intimate relationships

(This is similar to 4. above but not exactly.)

We all have issues. That’s just part of what makes us human. However, for the purposes of this blog post, I’m talking about those deep fear of intimacy issues that stem from past negative experiences in intimate relationships. These issues prevent a person from fully connecting (mentally, physically, or emotionally) with another. If there is resonance with this subject, then a person’s issues could run the gambit of manageable enough for a professional coach to assist to severe enough for the assistance of a therapist or counselor to be required.

♦For more insights about dating, also read: Are You A Hot Mess At Dating?!

6. Severe indecision about having children

Now, this is not an absolute dealbreaker, but if a person has serious indecision or opposition with their partner about kids…then marriage may not be for them. The reason is simple. Kids take up a huge chunk of time, money, and emotion. If a person is strictly on the opposing side from their partner on the subject, then having (or not having) kids can cause a serious rift in the relationship. When I coach on this topic, I make sure that the client reaches clarity around their decision.

7. The desire for marriage is wrapped up in what others are doing or expect

Marriage is a serious commitment. So if a person is on edge to get married because of other people’s expectation or experience, that’s a definite red flag. Similar to understanding thoughts and feelings around children, I work with clients so they can gain clarity around why they want to get married. If it comes out during a session that it’s because of what someone else wants or what they see other people doing, we stop and do some deep reflection. Questions I ask include:

What’s the end goal?
What’s driving the desire to be married?
How will that commitment look once it’s entered into?

Here are some books that I think can help give any singleton great perspective:

Conclusion:

Marriage is the ultimate commitment but communication in relationships of every kind is important. You need to understand that any serious intimate relationship takes the right:

mindset
attitude
willingness to do the hard work

on the part of all participants. SO…be honest with yourself. Determine if now is the right time for you to be in an intimate relationship. If the answer is no, fix your s&*t and take the steps you need to take to get in the right place to be in such a relationship. Remember, you don’t have to do this work alone! Hire a relationship coach and the two of you can effectively partner to create some very dynamic changes to assist in your communication in relationships.

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Tag: communication in relationships

Open Communication In Intimate Relationships