5 Ways Self-Sabotage Is Stopping You From Reaching Your Goals

June 25, 2019June 25, 2019 ~ viewslifecoaching ~ Leave a comment

self-sabotage

You wake up every morning feeling nervous, conflicted, exhilarated, defeated…like you’re ready to take the leap, but then totally unsure.

Does this sound like you?

If so, then you probably have some deeply ingrained habits that are working against you. In my blog post about getting unstuck I talk about how to create space. However, when coaching clients, I’ve found one of the most effective approaches to confront self-sabotage is by asking the classic “w” questions:

Who
What
Where
When
Why

Let’s start at the top!

Self-Sabotage Block #1: You don’t know who you want to be

Self-sabotage starts with you engaging in thoughts and behaviors that purposefully (even if sub-consciously) block your progress. First things first. Define who you want to be. Understand who the future version of you is and who you serve. Ending self-sabotage also requires an understanding of who you are at the present moment. Who do you serve now? Some books that I recommend to jump-start your thinking about self-sabotage:

Self-Sabotage Block #2: You don’t know what you want to accomplish

Self-sabotage is something that is often rooted in fear. This is especially true if you haven’t decided what you want to accomplish as your end goal. Fear can come from a place of being stuck. So getting unstuck is very important in order for you to move forward. Another source of fear that I often hear about from my coaching clients is fear of success. When I work with clients as a success coach, many who have tried any venture have already experienced failure in some way, form or fashion.

So that isn’t the problem. The problem comes when those clients figure out a new working approach to their path to success and they begin to sabotage themselves because they have an unconscious fear of success! Get clear on what you want to accomplish and focus on clearing your energy/mental blocks around them. A book that I think is very useful in working through fears is The Fear Workbook: How to Stop Procrastination, Self-Sabotage, and Fear from Stealing Your Dream Goals

Self-Sabotage Block #3: You don’t know where you want to be

self-sabotage - where you want to be

Can you answer that question? Seriously, can you clearly identify where you want to be in terms of geographical location and place in life at the point you reach success?

This is an important one and is necessary (as all the questions are) to give clarity to your vision of success. Figure that out as quickly as possible. Even if at first that vision is not completely clear. Here are some questions to get you started:

Do you want to live in a tropical location, have a loving partner, 2 kids, and a dog?
Do you want to be in a lovely French villa hosting meditation retreats with a plethora of wildlife around you?

Some books that I recommend to better understand where you want to be are:

Self-Sabotage Block #4: You don’t know when you want to reach your goals

self-sabotage - when you want to reach your goal

Do you have timelines in mind to meet your goals? If not, get some! This means you need to take all of that negative mental chatter that’s been contributing to your self-sabotage and turn it off.

Start with the end in mind.

Do you want to meet one of your major goals in 6 months? 12 months? 18 months? 3 years? An important first step is to lay out each of your major goals and then map it to a timeframe of when you plan on reaching that goal.

This will help your mind to become geared towards the solution if bridging the gap between where you are and where you want to be.

Self-Sabotage Block #5: You don’t know why you’re going in circles

self-sabotage - understand the why

This is the most abstract question of them all. I don’t want you to dwell on this for too long but it’s worth some self-reflection. When you take a step back and really look at all of your patterns or behaviors of self-sabotage, close your eyes, take some deep breaths and ask “why”. Trust whatever answer comes to mind because it’s the beginning of uncovering a deeper answer.

For example, a failure from 5 years ago could be the main contributing factor as to why you are engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors today. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of change. Fear of the unknown. These are all common reasons as to why self-sabotaging behaviors run rampant and unchecked in your life today. A very interesting book on understanding the why is Why Do I Do That?: Psychological Defense Mechanisms and the Hidden Ways They Shape Our Lives

So what are some of your self-sabotaging patterns and behaviors? Have you identified them? What are you doing to overcome them?

Comment, like, share, and subscribe below!

7 Reasons Women Are NOT Calling You Back (For Men Only)

June 24, 2019June 23, 2019 ~ viewslifecoaching ~ Leave a comment

intimate relationships - for men only

A really cool part about working as a life coach is getting to hear and engage in conversations about relationships.

The good, the bad and the ugly!

Let’s face it, intimate relationships are hard. That’s why people hire dating and relationship coaches to help them get clear about what they do and don’t want. Over the past few months, I’ve noticed some recurring themes in the dating struggles of many of my female clients.

Below are some of those themes and insights I think every guy should know if the women he likes are not calling him back.

1. Too focused on sex too soon

Sex is an important part of an adult intimate relationship. Share on X

Sex is an important part of an adult intimate relationship. There’s no question about that! However, men need to understand that, in general, women are wired differently than them on this subject. Some women want love before sex but from my experience, all women want some level of trust to be established before choosing to have sex in intimate relationships.

Lesson learned: Focus on developing good communication and trust before worrying about getting a woman in bed.

2. Too much baggage from past intimate relationships

Are you that guy? You know the one I’m talking about. On a first date that story you thought would be charming to tell turns into a vent session full of bitterness towards your ex.

This is something coaching clients tell me about often.

Make peace with your past intimate relationships before getting into a new intimate relationship Share on X

If you’re this guy, stop doing this immediately!

Stop dating for now.

Do some self-reflection and healing.

Get to a place where you’re no longer angry, bitter, or have negative feelings about your ex. Depending upon the length of the relationship and what happened during the relationship will determine how long it will take a person to heal & get past that relationship.

Lesson learned: Make peace with your past intimate relationships before getting into a new intimate relationship

3. Caught in a lie on the first date (a.k.a lacks integrity)

Imagine you’re out at a wonderful dinner with the woman you thought was attractive at the coffee shop. You two begin to talk about interests, etc. When she asks “oh have you ever been to {insert exotic location here}”?, instead of being honest and saying “no”, you go off on a tangent about something that you think you know about that location based upon what you saw on t.v.

If you're lying on the first date, this is not a good sign of things to come. Share on X

You are so wrapped up in the story you’re telling, you fail to notice the slight dip in your date’s smile. However, what you really failed to see is that you just dropped way down on her list of prospects. You’re already lying on the first date! This is not a good sign of things to come.

Lesson learned: Be honest about your experiences! If a particular question or subject makes you uncomfortable, just say so (Remember: Discussing religion and politics on a first date is an absolute no!). Don’t lie.

4. Too shallow

intimate relationships - too shallow What I’ve learned from my coaching clients is, that when they are ready for genuine mature intimate relationships, the appearance that a man is too shallow is an absolute turnoff.

Imagine this happening – you and the very fit, attractive woman at the gym hit it off one day and after flirting for a bit you ask her out on a date. You arrive on time. Pick the right restaurant. Both of you seem to be enjoying the atmosphere and the conversation. That is until you launch into your schpill on fitness and being “in shape”. You happen to say some nasty or just unbecoming things about people who aren’t fit and you’re so caught up in your speech you don’t notice that your lovely date has completely emotionally shut down on you! Don’t let that smile fool you!

Don't come off as too shallow on your first date! Be sure to not focus too much on physical characteristics! Share on X

What you have inadvertently done is to let her know that you are shallow and only worried about looks! What if she’s fit now but struggled with her weight at some point in her life? What if she has a close friend who is struggling with her weight? What if…a million other things?! You don’t know because you have effectively put your foot in your mouth and stated that a person who is not your idea of physical fitness is bad.

Way to go champ! You have completely lost the chance at a second date. Better luck next time.

Lesson learned: Physical appearance and attractiveness are important to most people. That’s life! However never be so focused on the physical that you come off as shallow, snobbish or insensitive. Those are characteristics that very few (if any) are looking for in a serious intimate relationship.

5. Comes off as selfish & self-centered

Though your mother may have raised you to believe differently, know that the whole world doesn’t revolve around you! If you go out on a date with someone, know that the conversation needs to be like a game of tennis…back and forth. There should be equal “air time” in the conversation.

Selfishness and self-centeredness is a no-no in any relationship but especially on a first date! Share on X

Lesson learned: Don’t dominate the conversation! Also, don’t make all talk about how great you are, how much you’ve accomplished, etc. Speak about interests, dreams, etc.

6. Don’t have a good relationship with your family

A red flag when I work with clients for dating and relationships coaching is when a client talks about how negative or nonexistent conversation about their potential beau’s family tends to be. Since I only work with adults, this is something that I find startling. If a person has had a bad or negative childhood, they need to make the decision to get the proper counseling to overcome it. I’m not saying everything is going to be perfect. What I’m saying is that you need to make sure you have your mind and emotions in a place of peace about your own family before getting into a serious intimate relationship with someone else.

Get your mind and emotions in a good place about your own family before you try to build one with someone else. Share on X

Just think.

You’re trying to go down the path of potentially building that with someone else. So what makes you a great catch if you have a bad relationship with the family you already have?!

Lesson learned: Get your mind and emotions in a good place about your own family before you try to build one with someone else.

7. Come off as lazy or has a lack of ambition

Lack of ambition is an unattractive characteristic in a potential intimate partner. Share on X

Lack of ambition is one of the most unattractive characteristics I hear about in coaching sessions with my clients when it comes to first dates.

Be sure that you’re not the man that we’re discussing!

Men this means that when a woman asks about your short-term and long-term goals, actually have answers to these questions. Shrugging and giving vague answers is kind of unacceptable for an adult man seeking to become a part of a serious intimate relationship.

Lesson learned: Have goals! Have plans! Be sure to make it apart of the conversation. Laziness is not attractive when anyone is seeking to be involved in a serious intimate relationship.

So those are the seven reasons women aren’t calling you back. Do any of these reasons resonate with you? If not, what are some reasons that you believe that women haven’t gone out with you on a second date?

Like, comment, subscribe & share!

Dating After 30

June 22, 2019June 22, 2019 ~ viewslifecoaching ~ Leave a comment

dating after 30-volume 1

Dating is a numbers game. All types of numbers…especially age. So dating after 30 can be daunting to say the least. Below are some datings tips I’ve come across online about the scary task of dating after 30.

12 Crucial Tips for Dating in Your 30s {MyDomaine}
6 Things You Should Know About Dating In Your 30s {Zoosk}
8 Women On What Dating In Your 30s Is Really Like {Women’s Heatlh}
Ways dating is different after 30 {The List}
11 Dating habits you should ditch after 30 {SheKnows}
9 Harsh Truths About Dating in Your Late 30s {Pop Sugar}
Why Dating After 30 Is a Blast {Flirt}
Dating in Your 30s {eHarmony}
Online Dating After 30: The ROI Is Awful {Refinery 29}
5 Types of Guys You’re Stuck Dating After 30 {CafeMom}

Dating over 30 and confused? Here are some books that I’ve read and learned a few nuggets of wisdom from over the years:

The Secret To Creating A Lasting Morning Workout Routine

June 20, 2019June 20, 2019 ~ viewslifecoaching ~ Leave a comment

morning workout routine

Working out. It’s something that we all know we have to do for optimal health and wellness. However many people (including myself) struggle to find time for consistent sweat sessions.

In working with coaching clients, I’ve found it to be true that anything a person schedules, they usually do.

This blog post is about three easy steps that anyone can take to start and stick to an early morning workout routine.

Step 1: Pick physical activities that are enjoyable

morning workout routine - pic 1

What’s exciting?
What’s invigorating?
What’s enjoyable but also a bit challenging?

The answers to those questions are the physical activities a person should explore in terms of the types of workouts that would suit them best. Brainstorming alone may not provide the answer.

Establishing a morning workout routine can be hard, so pick physical activities that you actually enjoy. Share on X

For help with this, there are some great online workout quizzes that will help a person figure out fun physical activities for working out.

What Kind Of Workout Suits You {Playbuzz}
What’s Your Workout Personality {Fitness Magazine}
Which Exercise Is Right For You? {Doctor Oz}
Which Workout Should You Try? {BuzzFeed}
What Workout Should You Do Today? {The Greatist}
Rewired Fitness Personality Test {Bodybuilding.com}

Ideally a person wants to identify at least 2 to 3 activities that resonate with them. Trying out a few things can help someone get clear on what they really enjoy. Or even start with
just one. Variety may become more important down the line but just pick something that fits now! Working with a health and wellness coach can also be useful in identifying the ideal physical activities for a person’s morning workout routine.

Step 2: Prepare the night before

morning workout routine - abs An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure as the saying goes. Now apply that to being prepared when establishing a morning workout routine.

Lay out those workout clothes and shoes, pack that gym bag, and fill up that water bottle the night before. These are just a few ways a person can prep for success for their early morning workout.

Prepare for that early morning workout by laying everything out the night before: clothes, shoes, water bottle, gym bag, etc. Share on X

Remember, 4a.m. or 5a.m. comes early! Working with clients as a health and wellness coach, trust me I hear this alot, lol!

Another way to prepare the night before is by doing a short meditation of how the workout will go the next morning. It only takes a minute or two. A person should visualize themselves having a successful workout. Take a moment to jot down what that successful morning workout routine looks like overall. Here are some visualizations similar to those that coaching clients have come up with:

Visualize a serene smile while enjoying a 5-mile morning run.
Visualize sweat rolling off the body and deep satisfaction as that last rep to failure is being completed
Visualize eyes closed and deep ujjayi breathing as that yoga pose is held for one more second

Whatever success looks like for you, visualize it and own it!

Whatever success looks like to you, visualize it and own it! Share on X

Step 3: Ensure you are getting enough rest

morning workout routine - get rest “Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise”. There is so much wisdom in that quote! Your body needs adequate rest. Experts say that 8 hours of sleep is ideal. For most of us getting 8 hours of sleep a night is next to impossible. So the next best thing is for a person to figure out what a sold night’s sleep looks like for them.

For me, that is 5 to 6 hours of sleep. If I can get sleep from 11p.m.-4a.m., I can easily get up and stay consistent with my morning workout routine.

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise ~ Benjamin Franklin Share on X

If anyone is asking themselves “how can I get enough sleep each night when I have a million things on my plate?” I will tell you what I tell my coaching clients…do it the same way a person plans a family vacation. Start with the end in mind.

For instance, if a client wants to be in bed, lights out by 11p.m., they need to start planning their evening backward. One tip that I use myself is to plan my evening activities in 30 to 60-minute increments. No, this activity won’t be easy at first. Expect it to be challenging. However as a person begins to plan in this manner, they will start to uncover activities that are taking up a lot of time, with very little return. Once those activities are identified, a person can more easily decide what is and is not important in their daily schedule.

Starting a morning workout routine? Then you need to rest! Start by planning your evening like a vacation, with the end goal in mind. This way you ensure you get enough rest. Share on X

Another bonus is that planning backward will also allow a person to see how they can create efficiencies in their schedule. Eventually, any person who takes this approach will become the master of their time and stop allowing time to master them!

Here are some books that I’ve read recently that I think would be useful for anyone trying to start a consistent morning workout routine:

Like, comment, tweet, share and subscribe!

Overcoming Self-Sabotage: 3 Steps to Take Today

June 18, 2019July 29, 2019 ~ viewslifecoaching ~ Leave a comment

overcoming self-sabotage

Yourdictionary.com defines self-sabotage as:
(Noun) The sabotaging, whether consciously or subconsciously, of oneself;
(Verb) To sabotage oneself or one’s own plans.

Self-sabotage sucks and the worst part about it is that many times people don't even recognize it in their lives! Share on X

Self-sabotage sucks and the worst part about it is that many times people don’t even recognize it in their lives! This is something that happens often when I work with coaching clients. They feel stuck (read: 3 Steps to Getting Unstuck), they feel confused, and often they feel a great deal of anger towards themselves. Below are a few tidbits of wisdom that have come out of my coaching sessions around what is helpful for clients to overcome self-sabotage.

Admit that self-sabotage is occurring

admit to self-sabotage pic The first step to solving a problem is admitting that it exists. Self-sabotage may be hard to spot. Or a person may simply be in denial. However, once the realization occurs, it’s time to take action. Though it is hard to admit to self, it can actually be addressed once it is. Work with a professional coach and get to the admission stage faster! Here are some great books on recognizing self-sabotage that I have coached on with clients:

Understand what the self-sabotaging patterns look like

understand self-sabotage Once a person has recognized that self-sabotage is a serious and real part of what’s derailing their progress, it’s time to look inside. Figure out what those patterns look like that aren’t useful. Jot down what that looks like. For example, say someone is trying to lose weight but they can’t seem to stick to their diet for more than a few days at a time before eating junk.

This is the time to reflect. A person should ask themselves when they seem to be most tempted to eat junk. What type of junk do they crave when they fall off of the wagon. What times of the day/week/month do cravings for junk strike most frequently. The answers to these questions provide powerful insights into what is really going on behind the self-sabotaging behaviors. Some cool books I’ve coached on with clients around identifying such patterns include:

Make a plan to address self-sabotaging behaviors…one at a time

action against self-sabotage We’ve all heard the saying that Rome wasn’t built in a day. The same goes for overcoming self-sabotage. Any person who has admitted and taken the time to do a little internal digging is ready for the next step. That step is to make a plan. But wait! This plan should be simple and straightforward. This means only one self-sabotaging pattern of behavior should be addressed at a time.

Let’s look at the previous example. For the person who is struggling with sticking to their diet, they have discovered they eat junk mostly after work on Wednesdays through Fridays. Ok, that’s telling. In this example, they need to examine what’s going on before the junk food fest occurs that triggers the event.

I’ve actually coached several clients in similar situations. The underlying factor was stress. Work stress increased after work as the week progressed. Each client came up with a different solution that worked for them. Decompression before leaving the office could work. Eating a snack before leaving the office is another possibility. Some books that clients have found useful in this action step of addressing self-sabotage include:

Like, comment, share, subscribe below!

Author: viewslifecoaching