hot mess to date Archives - Views Life Coaching

As a professional coach, I have the absolute privilege to work with clients in all sorts of dating situations. From my experience, I’ve gathered feedback from both male and female clients who are actively dating around. This post will give you a glimpse into the sometimes controversial reasons why he is not returning calls.

Reason #1: Jumping in bed with him too soon

Let’s start with the big one.

S-E-X

Yes, sex is a healthy and natural part of an adult intimate relationship. No complaints there! However, in this modern age, many women are trying to live out the lives of their favorite reality show icons and hop in the bed with a man too soon. Now, I’m no prude and think sexual liberation is a wonderful thing. Here’s the rub — women should realize that many men are not as hip to the times emotionally as they would like you to believe.

Check out this scenario: Yes, a woman meets a hot guy at a bar, had a few drinks, and then had a great mutually enjoyable night of sex. She thinks everything is going fine. He was the perfect gentleman when they parted ways the next morning. But it’s been five days and he has not called her back…WTF?!

Well, from several of my male clients who’ve been in this exact scenario, the story goes like this. They really like the woman and enjoyed the sex, but now they’re a little unsure if they want to move forward. Having sex so soon after meeting them kind of put the woman off their list of being someone potentially serious that they would date. They put the woman in one of three categories:

one night stand,
booty call, or at most
casual sex partner.

Now, don’t get me wrong, this is by no means what all men do and how all men think! I’m just relaying what I’ve seen happen many times.

Lesson learned: Wait to have sex until a more established communication and trusting relationship has been established. A great book to read that speaks to a modern generation of women navigating the murky waters of dating is Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Expanded Edition: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment. I don’t agree with everything Steve says but I think there are many nuggets of truth in his insights.

Reason #2: Giving away too much too soon

Piggybacking off of the last reason, this is also about giving away too much too soon. Ok, so a woman meets a guy at the grocery store and the two of them have been exchanging texts for about a week. It’s not a good idea for her to one day decide to dump her entire life story on him via text! Clients who have experienced this often see the woman as needy, potentially emotionally unstable, and basically a hot mess to date.

Lesson learned: A person should wait to reveal more about themselves to a potential partner until more trust and comfort has been established.

Reason #3: Allowing him to only text

This blog post is for grown ups and if any person is past those tender high school years, a man should know how to communicate past texting. If he cannot write and speak in full sentences, then the bigger question may be “Is he someone I really want to date?” Grown men talk on the phone.

Set standards in dating and don't let him just text! Remember, grown men talk on the phone. Click To Tweet

One piece of feedback that I’ve heard repeatedly with some of my male clients is that they don’t really take women seriously who only allow them to text. Yes, you heard me right. They state that they don’t take women seriously who allow them to only just text! Upon digging deeper into this insight, the bottom line is that they feel the woman has low self-esteem. In successful dating, it’s about a person setting a standard and holding another person to them!

♦A book that I recommend with totally outlandish (but insightful) lessons for women is WHY MEN MARRY BITCHES: EXPANDED NEW EDITION – A Guide for Women Who Are Too Nice

Lesson Learned: If a person wants to progress towards a serious relationship, regular phone conversations should be apart of the way they are communicating with their sweetie.

Reason #4: Personality comes off as too one-sided

Too angry
Too bitter
Too needy
Too clingy
Too strong
Too controlling
Too insecure
Too unavailable

Does any of this sound familiar? Well if it does, then a person needs to take a step back from dating for a while and do some self-work. A person should figure out why this description is how they are being perceived. I even encourage talking to exes for some valuable insights!

♦For more insights about dating, read my blog post Are You A Hot Mess At Dating?!

Lesson Learned: Any person who wants to have a successful dating life needs to first know who they are. Doing some serious deep reflection, especially with the help of a relationship coach, can prove to be invaluable in recognizing some overdeveloped personality traits.

Reason #5: He doesn’t have a chance to talk

A woman meets a guy at the gym and they end up going on a date. He picks a fabulous place, arrives on time, and is a perfect gentleman throughout the evening. Things go south quickly (at least in his mind) when the woman sits down and basically talk about herself the entire night! She may think his crooked smile and nods mean that he is totally into her but nothing could be further from the truth!

Honey, he is being polite. I’ve had clients relay this situation often and they are frustrated and irritated as a result.

Lesson Learned: If a person needs to talk a lot about their backstory or is unaware of the habit they have to dominate conversations then they need to explore options such as:

the services of a professional counselor if there are really emotionally scarring things from their past that they always seem to bring up.
hire a professional coach to help them address the habit of dominating conversations and the meaning behind that behavior.

Reason #6: He doesn’t have a chance to process

Ok, so a woman goes out with a guy she recently meant and the first date went really well! The food, entertainment, and conversation were great. Now it’s the day after and she’s on edge about him asking her out on another date. If there is resonance with this, take a deep breath, put down the phone and do not text him! This is not about playing games, this is about being mature and giving him space to process. From what I hear from clients, this is sadly the place where things go south.

Lesson Learned: After meeting and engaging with a new potential intimate partner, it may take a few days to process. Men and women process differently and each person needs a different amount of time to process such new encounters (especially if they’re positive). Take the time to do some self-reflection. Why does anxiety occur when the thought of him not calling comes up? What does consistent communication look like? The answers to these questions provide great insight.

Reason #7: Emotionally charged topics are discussed on the first date

This bit of advice is probably not new, but politics and religion are a no-discuss zone on 99.9% of first dates. Even if two people vote the same political party, have the same religious views, and feel the same way about the issues of the day, they are re inevitably going to be some nuance around these hot-button items that they will not agree upon. I’ve had clients who basically tell me that they got in a heated debate on a first date and they were both on the same side of an issue. Needless to say, that left a very bad taste in everyone’s mouth.

Politics and religion are a no-discuss zone on 99.9% of first dates. It takes mutual respect to have an effective debate with another person. Click To Tweet

Lesson Learned: Leave emotionally charged topics of discussion at the door. I’ve learned that it takes mutual respect to have an effective debate with another person. On a first date, respect and familiarity are minimal because two people don’t know one another yet. This is not the time or place to have that discussion.

Conclusion:

Leave all of your quirks, phobias, and craziness at home! Dating should be a positive experience, even if you don’t end up going on a second date. Be open and flexible (within your personal boundaries of course!) and go out there and date up a storm!

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Tag: hot mess to date

Dating Around: Controversial Reasons Why He is NOT Calling You Back! (For Women Only)